Ruby Gets an Exam

by Katherine Luck

I lost my innocence (such as it was) at fourteen on a hot summer morning in Texas. The agent of my downfall was a very handsome, very young ob-gyn from out of town—one Dr. Dick, after whom my mama was shamelessly pining.

Fine, hot dust sifted like brown sugar through the window as I sat sulking in the front seat of our temporarily-not-broke-down Oldsmobile, arms crossed tight over my T-shirt. Absorbed in pissed-off silence, Mama drove.

"I don't see why you won't willingly do this little thing and help your own mama out. Ain't nothing to it—just like going to the dentist. Only at the other end."

"I hate the dentist and I don't wanna do it, Mama! Why don't you just tell him you gots the hots for him? I'll do it for you, if you're scared."

Mama's cheeks went white under circles of bright rouge.

"When we get into that medical office, you keep that mouth of yours shut! You hear me, Ruby? Or else I won't give you the twenty dollars I promised you."

Mama glared at me from under her sky-blue eyelids, then sucked in a deep breath. She closed her eyes, unwarily, since the road to town was deserted.

"Sorry for yelling, babydoll. Just all tense about this."

Mama and all the other randy divorcées in town had set their sights on the new doctor once they heard that he was wise to the ways of the womanly body and appeared to be unmarried. But only Mama was taking action this early in the game. She had a plan.

See, Mama was canny enough to realize that young Dr. Dick wouldn't date one of his patients, and being a sophisticated man from Not Around Here, he wasn't likely to be found at the local bar or other hot-spots either. So she decided to use one of her daughters as an excuse to visit his office. I was the unlucky one who happened to be home at the time she hatched this plan.

Abruptly, Mama cleared her throat in the way that I recognized as a Prequel to Serious Sexual Discussion. I scooted as close to the car door as I could.

"Ruby ... I thought about this last night. See, we need an actual reason why a young girl like yourself'd be needing an Obee-Gee-Why-N visit. You ain't had kids yet. You ain't got the crab lice ... do you?"

"No!"

Mama looked disappointed.

"Well ... I hear that in The Big City a girl'll go on in after her first roll in the hay ... " Mama took her eyes off the dirt road to look at me significantly. I squirmed on the hot vinyl seat and clutched the armrest.

"Quit staring at me, Mama!"

"Well, can we tell him that's the reason I have to bring you in, or not?"

"No!"

"Damn. Your big sister could have used that excuse at the age of thirteen or so. What's the matter with you?"

"Mama!"

"Ain't none of my business." Mama seemed to realize that she was advocating promiscuity and snapped her candy-apple lips shut. "Well, they look into mens-troo-al problems, that's for sure. Any mens-troo-al problems, Ruby?"

"No!"

"You sure? You ain't spotted blood at the wrong time of the month? You ain't had no —"

"Dear God up in heaven, help me Jesus!" I rolled down the window and prepared to jump to freedom.

"Fine, fine! There's gotta be something wrong with you—hell, girl!"

Mama frowned and went silent, hip-deep in gynecological thought.

"Oh well, something'll come to me."

We pulled abruptly into the parking lot of the brand spanking-new clinic. Suddenly it hit me what exactly was in store for me. I'd heard tales in the girl's locker room.

"Mama, I really, really don't think I can do this. Let's just go on home, okay? Please?"

"No way."

"But Ma—"

"I'll give you forty dollars."

I hesitated, greedily calculating how many bottles of nail polish this would net me. Mama gave me a decisive nod, yanked me from the car by the arm, and hauled me to the front door. She steadied her home-manicured hand, arranged her face into a secret, half-lidded expression, like a sophisticated woman at a fancy nightclub sipping a drink on TV, and turned the knob.

We crept into the unfamiliar gloom. I held my breath. God knows what sort of intoxicating fumes Dr. Dick might employ to entice women to his examining table.

"Dr. Dick? Yoo-hoo? You here?"

Unsure what to do, I drifted past the plushy chairs and tasteful tables fanned with health magazines, and bumped smack-dab into a small cage where a colorful lizard lay sunning itself under a wee tanning lamp. The cage, precariously perched on a little table, crashed to the floor, and cracked open like a plastic Easter egg. The lizard skittered across the floor on tiny claws, his tail whipping about in alarm.

Mama turned to yell at me, then instantly let out a scream. Mama had a deathly terror of scaly things. She set herself to shrieking and began to jitterbug around the lizard which was darting back and forth across the linoleum in a panic.

"Ooooh! Hooooh-nooooh!" She hooted, her arms pinwheeling and flailing wildly.

"Is everything all r—" Handsome, fine, young Dr. Dick emerged from an obscure door at the far end of the room. Mama leapt at him, throwing her skinny self into his arms like a bride preparing to be carried over the threshold.

"Hoooh Lordy! It's a-comin'! Oooooh Jesus!"

"Mrs. Be—could you—um—ah—"

Dr. Dick staggered, trying to loosen Mama's talons from his shirt and set her down, but with no success. He grunted, protested briefly, then gave up and bent to scoop up the lizard with his free hand.

My, my. What a strong, strapping young man. That's what Mama would've appreciatively sighed had she been coherent.

Mama hopped out of Dr. Dick's arms when the writhing lizard came close to her fly-away hair. She wavered toward me on jelly legs, wheezing and mumbling as she clutched me to her special-occasion pushed-up bosoms.

Dr. Dick righted the cage, set the lizard inside and secured the lid. He then turned to us, somewhat befuddled, but still looking ever-so-chiseled and well-groomed, like one of those handsome newscasters on the TV.

Mama was quivering all over like some kinda vibrating sex toy, but made a great effort to steady herself, and forced a bright grin.

"Hi there, Dr. Dick! We're here for Ruby's appointment. Yep. We sure are."

Maintaining her bright beam of teeth, she released me, flicked her hair out of her face, and hissed in my ear, "I'm 'bout to die! Go talk to him. I—I—I got to settle my nerves."

I wasn't sure what to say, but I sauntered up to Dr. Dick and opened my mouth obligingly.

"My sister Opal can belch the song of your choice," was what came out.

"Uh. Yes. Mrs. Bejou?"

Mama looked up, her eyes sharp.

"Nobody calls me that, Dr. Dick. I ain't married to that no-good man anymore. You call me Crystal Lynn."

"Okay. All right. Are—are you two ready, then?"

"Of course!" Mama forced her gleaming grin again. "Why wouldn't we be? Come Ruby!"

Mama grabbed me by the hand, and pulled me into Dr. Dick's examining room.

I could hear Mama chattering away, but I couldn't see anything, as I had squeezed my eyes shut, not wanting to see what sexual horror devices awaited me.

"And then that's what I said: I said, 'Crystal-Lynn, you'd better get that wild child on into the—the Dr. Dick place, and find out just what she's been up to with all those boys out back of the school yard. Else she'll be disgraced in the eyes of the church.' Shunned and forsaken, you know what I mean?"

I opened my eyes to glare at Mama, and found that I was in a room about the size of our shoebox bathroom back home. It had comforting fake wood grain on the walls like our bathroom, too. Mama had perched herself up on the edge of the sink, and Dr. Dick tried to look dignified as he wedged himself between her and the sharp corner of a huge and menacing table.

"But," Dr. Dick's face was all creased up in confusion. "I'm not really sure if I see what exactly brings you in today. Is Ruby having some sort of—"

"Sex! With a whole slew of boys. That's right, uh-huh! That's what everyone's been saying—not just me!"

I opened my mouth to protest this slander upon my good name, then I reconsidered. To be the town skank required a certain amount of good looks and allure, which I didn't have. Perhaps my new slutty reputation would spread and I would become popular and much sought-after by the boys of the town.

"So ... you ... people are very religious, I take it?"

"Everyone's got the spirit of Gawd in them, Dr. Dick," said Mama, solemnly yet somehow sleazily, as she delicately uncrossed and re-crossed her legs.

"Of ... of course. Well. I'll just excuse myself, and Ruby can get into an examination gown." Dr. Dick ducked around Mama's legs and rustled out a paper gown. I wrinkled my nose in distaste, but Mama snatched it up eagerly.

"Great, great! Yes, y'all can just step on out for a minute and I'll see to this one. Gonna stay in here for the exam if you don't mind—"

"No!" I bellowed.

"—cause I gotta keep you honest, huh Dr. Dick?" Mama winked lewdly.

"Uh ... I'll be back in about two, three minutes."

"Yessirree! You do that! You—oh Lordy, I'm looking a fool!" Mama wailed the very instant the door was closed. "I can't go on! I'm looking dumber and dumber with each and every second that passes! Help me! Help—"

"I ain't wearing that paper-thingy!"

"Oh yes, you are! Oh yes. You're gonna put this right on, and you're gonna think of something clever to say, cause I'm all out. Oh, God, Ruby! Dr. Dick doesn't look all that enraptured with me, does he?"

Normally I might attempt a soothing lie, but Mama had me by the shirt and was tugging mercilessly. She forced me into the paper gown, tying it as tightly as she could without tearing it, glanced me over, and posed herself back on the rim of the sink. I stood awkward in the middle of the floor, waiting for the gown to rip apart and leave me utterly naked.

"Get up on that table, girl! Don't look like he's gonna molest you or somethi—"

Dr. Dick knocked, cutting off Mama's loud—and surely audible—command. I struggled up onto the enormous table.

Mama called graciously, "Come on in, Dr. Dick."

Dr. Dick had pulled on his official white coat and was looking somewhat more composed and in-charge.

"So tell me, Ruby. Have you had any physical problems lately? Any symptoms of—"

"No, no, she ain't got any problems at all. I questioned her in the car. I said, 'there must be something wrong with you, girl!' But she said ... "

Dr. Dick gave Mama a blank look, and she shut up. For nearly four whole seconds.

"So tell me, Dr. Dick," she began again, "Are we your very first patients?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, you are." Dr. Dick was trying to get at the sink to wash his hands. Mama didn't budge from her perch.

"Ya married?"

"Could I have you just hop down off the sink for a second?"

"Oh, my yes! So, you got a wife?" Mama leaned in and peered at Dr. Dick as he soaped and scrubbed.

"No."

"How fascinating! You got a girl?"

"Mrs. Be—Crystal Lynn, this is really not an approp—"

"How old're you—'bout twenty-eight? Twenty-nine?"

"Did you happen to bring in Ruby's medical records?" Dr. Dick countered.

Mama hesitated.

I was impressed that he'd managed to confound her. But then again, doctors're supposed to be smart folks.

"No, those're over at her regular doctor's place." Mama gave him her smoky-eyed come-hither gaze. "So, you aren't gay, are you?"

Dr. Dick shook his hands dry and seemed, from the set expression on his face, resolved to ignore Mama and speak only to the silent person in the room, which for once was me.

"Okay, Ruby, why don't you just scoot on over to the edge here and lay down. We don't have the usual stirrups yet, I'm afraid."

"Stirrups!" Mama guffawed, then caught my eye and swallowed whatever she'd planned to say next.

I lay back on the hard, chilly silver table. I squeezed my eyes shut again, preparing for a hellacious deflowering. I heard a snick-snick as Dr. Dick pulled on latex gloves. I clenched my fingers around the edges of the table, my arms and legs all spread-eagle and defenseless.

I felt a prodding on my abdomen. I let out a yelp of surprise.

"Does that hurt?"

"No."

"Cold hands, huh?"

"What?"

"The sink has only cold water," Dr. Dick smiled. I didn't fall for his attempt at folksiness. I gritted my teeth and kept my eyes closed and my muscles tensed.

Now, we'll just pass over what happened next. Aren't y'all relieved? Suffice it to say, however, that it was nothing like going to the dentist.

"Well, Mrs.—Crystal Lynn, she hasn't been having sexual intercourse."

"How's that again?" Mama cocked her head.

"Her hymen is still intact."

"Well, that's that, then." Mama hopped off the sink. "Get up and get into your clothes, Ruby."

"But ... don't you want me to finish the exam?"

"No, naw—what a relief! Guess her wicked ways were a pack of rumors and lies. Just needed your stamp of approval, Dr. Dick. Hop up, girl!"

"But ... "

Dr. Dick watched in speechless bafflement as Mama swooped my T-shirt and skirt on over the paper gown, thrust her purse at me to hold, and began a slow sashay across the linoleum.

Toward him.

"Thanks a bunch, Dr. Dick. You're sure some doctor!"

She'd got him in her sights; she was bearing down for the capture.

"I'll certainly be seeing you around the town, I expect. In fact," Mama fluttered first her red dagger nails, then her eyelashes. "Maybe you and me could step out for an evening some Friday night. Show ya the town and the lively nightlife hereabouts."

"Um ... " Dr. Dick's eyes darted wildly. He was treed and without recourse. I'd be having a new stepdaddy within a month.

But Mama had underestimated the clever wits of young Dr. Dick.

"Shall—shall I ... " he fumbled desperately.

"Yes, Dr. Dick?" Mama leaned in, her hand raised to adjust his necktie, or worse.

"Shall I bill you directly for the exam? Or your insurance?"

"Bill?"

Mama froze. Her eyes took on an alarmed gleam.

"You are insured, aren't you?"

Uninsured Mama hadn't counted on having to fork over God knows how much money for the bogus appointment. She'd assumed that Dr. Dick would fall under her spell and that the exam would be but an unpaid traffic ticket on the road of love.

She burst out, "I see, I see! Yes! Bill the TexCo Shipping Company's Sanitation Department. That's where my insurance claims get processed."

"But—"

Mama darted out of the exam room, dragging me by the wrist and pursued by Dr. Dick.

"I know the name's strange, but the Sanitation Department's the insurance office at my work. It's fully legit! Goodbye, see ya around, Dr. Dick!"

And with that, Mama fled the clinic, towing me urgently behind her. She dashed to the car, jumped in, and threw the lock on the passenger door before I could get in.

"Mama!" I wailed, pumping the handle.

"Ain't no time for that! I gotta get to work—gotta warn them to divert him and hide my lie! Find your own way home. Oh Lordy, what a disaster!"

Mama blew away in a cloud of thin dust, exhaust, and muffled curses. I was left standing in the parking lot with the paper gown crinkling under my clothes and my shoes on the wrong feet.

Katherine Luck is a novelist and playwright living in Washington. Ruby Gets an Exam is an excerpt from her novel, The Cure For Summer Boredom.