Exploration

Welcoming Creativity Home

I used to think I didn't need creativity in my life. I was an adult, a single mom with two kids, beyond the need for "play." Oh sure, I would do stuff with my kids—color, paint, make things out of clay, think up silly songs. But all of that was strictly for their benefit and had nothing to do with my needs.

In my youth, I was very creative. I loved crafts, I played the violin from 4th grade all the way through high school, and I wrote. Prolifically. Everything from short stories and poems (a few bad poems, that is) to editorials for the high school newspaper. I even won a few prizes. For many years, I dreamed of becoming a novelist.

But, once I graduated from high school and became an "adult," I gave all of that up. Going to college, raising my children, and living in the "real" world commanded all of my time and energy, and I felt that I had outgrown the need for creative statement. I still harbored the dream of writing, "someday, but it was a need hidden deep inside which never emerged to express itself.

I passed quite a few years this way, not realizing the void I'd left in my life. In college, I studied math and physics (practical, "grown up" subjects), and then became a teacher. This, for me, was a huge mistake. I am very good at the creative aspects of teaching, writing excellent lessons, and I explain technical topics in clear language, but I was terrible at managing the classroom dynamic. Raised in an era when students (and parents) respected teachers, I would never let a child or an adult treat me the way teachers are often treated these days.

After struggling at teaching for a couple of years, I decided to move on. I took a good look at my skills and decided to become a programmer (another "grown-up" choice). This time, though, I took a more unconventional route. Reading through the Seattle Times, I found a tiny ad that said "Entry level game programmers wanted" and gave a post office box number. Normally, I might have figured it was some kind of scam and not given the ad another thought. This time, though, I decided I had nothing to lose, and sent in my resume. A few days later I got a call, and ended up programming children's computer games for a well-known local company.

This sounds more creative, right? And it was, in its own way. My new position placed me in an extremely creative environment, working with artists, other programmers, and game designers, making games that I loved. For about three and a half years, it was an excellent job. Eventually, though, it grew dissatisfying. Although the environment was creative, a lot of my tasks had become routine. I started to seek the more creative aspects of the work and tried to move in that direction.

Being surrounded by all of those creative people made me start thinking about the missing piece of my own life. After all, these people were all adults, but they hadn't given up the things they love to do in order to make a living. I realized that I could, and should, bring more creativity into my own life. I thought seriously about trying to write a novel, and I actually did start one. Barely. I found that I wasn't ready to face those particular demons quite yet. Instead, I took up something else I'd always wanted to try: throwing pots on a wheel.

And I love it! I approached pottery with the attitude that I was going to dive right in and make all of my mistakes up front. I've done exactly that, and in the process I discovered how much I missed creating. I get into the studio, make a huge mess, and try anything that occurs to me. The other people in my class marvel at my fearlessness. But I don't consider myself fearless, I'm just releasing all the creativity I've been repressing for years. It just has to come out!

And I'm writing again. I took another risk, one that certainly felt huge, and joined Seattle Writergrrls. Not only joined, but also signed up to be an editor for the on-line Webzine (gulp). This is my first contribution. I became something of a contortionist to write it, as I had not only my fingers crossed, but also my ears covered so I couldn't hear the voice of the critic in my head screaming, "What do you think you're doing? There are professional writers in this group! They're never going to like your work!"

But my words are spoken, and I've taken the risk, "coming out" as a creative person. I have all kinds of ideas flowing through my brain, and the struggle now becomes letting them flow in productive directions. In addition, since I took on this assignment, my life has brought me a new challenge. I was laid off from the game company, and now have the opportunity to find my money where my mouth is, to twist a phrase. When I go back to work, after spending some time with my son, it will be in a place where I can be truly creative. Wish me luck! Whatever I do, I promise to dive in with the same spirit that drives my pottery. I will make my mistakes, and follow their lessons. A long, circuitous journey brought creativity back into my life and I'm going to keep it at the center, where it belongs.

Dolores has been many things, including a waitress, a factory worker, a math and physics teacher, a mother and a programmer of children's computer games. She is currently deciding on the direction of her next set of challenges.
E-mail: dolorescarney@yahoo.com