Chew On This!

Is It A Seasonal Disorder?

"In the spring a young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love."

And with all due respect to Mr. Tennyson, let it be said that 9 times out of 10, in the spring a modern woman's fancy darkly turns to thoughts of swimsuits and diets.

Maybe it's Sports Illustrated's annual swimsuit issue. I mean we have Daniela Pestova and Heidi Klum staring out at us, looking tanned and lovely, from every drugstore, bookstore, grocery, and convenience store magazine rack. Nearly naked. And in 3D no less. (Isn't technology amazing?) With its arrival in February, the swimsuit issue is a not so subtle reminder that warm weather is just around the corner. And here we are, pasty pale and soft from a long winter.

Maybe it's the act of having to shop for a new swimsuit. Surrounded by 8 ft tall, size .276 mannequins wearing scraps of spandex and seeing yourself in the obligatory funhouse mirrors of most dressing rooms; it's hard to feel great about your body no matter its actual size.

Into the Belly of the Beast

I recently went swimsuit shopping with my friend Fran. Her current suit was about 7 years old and had seen better days. I wonder if there is a name for this phenomenon: women who find one suit they can deal with and then hang on to it until it becomes so ragged that they have no choice but to try and replace it. I've certainly done it - I had a purple Ralph Lauren maillot that I wore well past its expiration date. The only other piece of clothing that can inspire this kind of dogged determination in its wearer is a great pair of jeans.

Anyway, Fran and I went shopping after several aborted attempts. "I just can't deal with it today" seemed to be Fran's favorite cop out. But who am I to judge? It wasn't my ass on the line. Or my thighs. The last time I bought a suit, I went alone and waded through the plus size suits until I found a plain black one (naturally) that had neither a skirt or shorts built in and bought it without trying it on.

As we browsed through seemingly endless racks of bikini tops, halter tops, tube tops, thongs, briefs, shorts and oh yes, one piece suits, I couldn't help but think that if I weren't already on a diet, I'd have to start one. Fran echoed my thoughts moments later saying, "I've got to get in shape. Crap."

I've marveled before that Fran can feel as bad about her size 1 body as I do about my size 16 body. In some ways it's nice knowing that we all share similar hang-ups - it makes things a little less lonely. On the other hand, if she feels bad about her body, what hope is there for me even if I do reach my target size of 8?

At least Fran has a pretty good attitude about it all. She doesn't obsess and she doesn't go on fad diets.

Fad Diets In Full Bloom

I never was one for fad diets. My parents managed to beat "If something sounds too good to be true it probably is" into my head sometime in early childhood. So even as an ultra-body-conscious teenager I managed to avoid the siren song of "Lose 20 lbs in 2 weeks! No exercise needed!", "Fat Vanishing Cream makes problems disappear overnight! Only 54.95!" and so forth. I never ate only grapefruit for 3 straight weeks despite my friend Mandy's urging and assurances that it would improve my social life. I never counted calories or weighed my food down to the microgram. To quote the Barenaked Ladies, "Never is enough. Never is enough. I never want to do that stuff."

But I understand the appeal. I think of the various plans out there as different types of fads. The "True Fad" diets are tempting because they promise miracles. The "Secret Fad" diets are tempting because they seem like they might actually work. What's the difference you ask?

True Fad Diets are usually based on a gimmick. My favorite one right now is the infomercial classic, "Fat Trapper/Exercise in a Bottle." It's a "diet" base on taking two pills daily. Fat Trapper somehow absorbs all the fat you eat and causes it to pass harmlessly out of your body. They prove this by taking a glass of water, pouring some oil into it and then adding the powder from inside a Fat Trapper capsule to the mixture. Lo and behold, the oil and Fat Trapper combine, to then fall out of solution and sink in chunks to the bottom of the glass.

Amazing! Thing is, oil and water never really mix to form a solution do they? But I guess if you eat a lot of vegetable oil straight from the bottle Fat Trapper might give your stool a little more--shall we say body?--than it might otherwise have.

Exercise in a Bottle, Shirley to Fat Trapper's Laverne, is supposed to speed up your metabolism and cause you to burn tons more calories whether you get off the couch or not. God, if only they worked. But, they don't. (See the "If something seems to be good to be true..." comments above.)

Secret Fad Diets, on the other hand, sometimes do work. I call them Secret, not because no one knows about them--quite the contrary, I think everybody knows somebody who is on the No-Carb diet. These diets seem to be based on science or fact, so it's fairly easy to pretend they aren't really a "Fad." Because they severely restrict your food intake, Secret Fad Diets tend to work for awhile, but they are incredibly hard to stick to. And once you do go back to healthier eating patterns, the weight comes right back.

These diets are not healthy, sane ways to lose weight. They are short term or stop gap solutions at best. The only diet that will work in the long run is a balanced and well-thought-out personal diet plan.

Yet every spring, right on schedule, the fad diets bloom in the magazines. "Lose 10 Pounds This Week!" screams one headline. Another promises: "Get The Body You Want In 8 Weeks." Still another anxiety-raiser: "Are You Ready To Wear Your Swimsuit In Front Of Him?" And my personal favorite: "Lose Weight Without Dieting!"

No wonder we suddenly want to look a little better, feel a little better. Everything we see at the newsstand is telling us we aren't ready and we could stand to lose a few pounds. And so women everywhere celebrate the vernal equinox by starting a diet and figuring they have 12 weeks to get their acts (and assets) into shape.

It's normal I guess. A rite of passage. A sign of the season. However, let me offer a little bit of unsolicited advice:

This spring, let cooler heads, despite warmer weather, prevail.

By Diz Andover.
I'd love to hear from you. E-mail me at diz_andover@altavista.com