Chew on this!

Fat on the Inside

I've been fat my whole life. Or at least as long as I can remember. Legend has it that I was an underweight infant who was fed enriched milk so I'd bulk up. By enriched milk, I mean I drank milk that had butter melted into it. I shudder now, but it did the trick then: I began to gain weight. And I haven't looked back. This also began a tradition of bad eating habits that I am just now learning to curtail.

So, I've been fat my whole life - if you don't believe me take a look at this photo. I think I'm about 7 years old.

What? You don't think I look fat in that picture? I am. I mean, I must have been, because I felt fat. Honestly, looking back at my seven-year-old self, I don't see the fat either. I think that I look like a pretty healthy kid. I guess I was fat on the inside.

I remember shopping with my Mom and being absolutely horrified that I was a size 6X. I didn't know what 6X meant back then (heck, I still don't) but I did know that 6X was the only size that contained an X. That X had to be bad. Size 6X was also the end of the department. I vaguely recall my mother saying that soon we would have to shop in the 'Chubette' department. I knew that was bad. Chubette: Root word: Chubby: Meaning: Fat Little Girl.

You know I have never typed the word fat in conjunction with myself so many times before. It's liberating. I'm getting the fat out.

Fat. Fat. Fat.

Sorry.

Actually, I'm not sorry. I'm tired of being sorry.

Learning Not To Be Fat

It's so easy to say and so hard to do. Which is probably why I never tried before. So why now? Basically it came down to two simple things:

1. I started to seriously worry about my health.
2. I finally got sick of feeling bad about myself.

No one can tell me to do anything. If you try, odds are my response will be "Make me," or "Why should I?" I've always felt like society was constantly telling me I had to lose weight or else. I hated that. So I rebelled- I kept eating and hating society for its stupid pressures and hang ups and standards. I resented the Fat Stigma that convinces women (and men) to starve themselves and meet impossible ideals. I raged against products like Olestra® and Meridia ®. I detested the media when they labeled Kate Winslet and Alicia Silverstone fat. I was angry and eating and silent.

But of course I still wasn't happy. A happy person does not eat a pound of peanut butter M&M's and then go get ice cream with her friends does she? Happiness didn't figure into it. I ate to feel better not to be happy.

One day, I got fed up and scared at the same time. *Click* Suddenly I was telling myself I needed to change. It was I, not society, who made the decision. And so finally, I began to learn and change.

Chew On This!

Part of this decision to change, to learn not to be fat, includes breaking the silence about my fat. I need to talk about the myriad issues I have with my weight. Because losing weight isn't just physical--it's emotional and spiritual too. I need to share in order to heal myself.

I'm writing this column because I am learning not to be fat. For the first time in my life, I'm doing something about my weight other than just feeling bad about it. And no, I'm not on a diet. I am changing the way I live. Here are some topics I plan on covering in the future:

• No One Knows How Fat I Am.
• Love Me For Who I Am Even Though I Hate Myself.
• The Amazing Terrifying Bowel Loosening Wonder Drugs.
• No One Likes Kitten and Flower Embroidered Sweatshirts.
• Wanting Not To Want: Refocusing Cravings.
• The Cycle of Inaction or Someday I'll Ride A Bike Again.

I don't have any big answers. I can only share what I am learning and I am learning as I go. I hope you will enjoy reading these articles.

By Diz Andover.
I'd love to hear from you. E-mail me at diz_andover@altavista.com