Review

Summer Movies:
They're a Crapshoot

I recently took part in a one-person crap-movie-fest. I voluntarily went to see Deep Blue Sea, Lake Placid, and The Haunting. All in one night. Hey, I was looking for cheap thrills. I had a diabolical plan--one movie at matinee prices, one free thanks to the convenient floor plan of Seattle's newest multiplex, and one at full price. Grand total: $12.50 not including popcorn, which is where they really get you anyway.

It's liberating to go into a movie knowing that it's not going to be good at all. To give up the search for complex characters, original plots, and witty dialog. I'd read the reviews--full of words like idiotic, vapid, illogical, overblown, wretched--and went anyway. What I discovered was a full spectrum of crap; each trashy movie was unique.

Deep Blue Sea is the movie claiming to be a faster, scarier Jaws. Now, my memories of Jaws are fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure this is marketing hyperbole at its best. Set that aside for a minute and you'll have a movie with some very badass sharks, plenty of characters that die grisly and shocking deaths--and LL Cool J. He's just so charming and winsome, you can't help but cut the movie some slack. Deep Blue Sea is an edge-of-your-seat nail-biter as long as you don't think too much about the logic of some of the characters' choices. There are plenty of plot holes, but the sharks swim right through them. All in all, I found it to be highly satisfying, good crap.

Lake Placid, written by TV's genius scribe David Kelly (The Practice, Ally McBeal), seems to be one, long, inside joke. At least, that's the best I can figure. Unfortunately for Kelly and the cast, no one seems to get the joke; not the critics--who have labeled the film "One Of The Summer's Worst"--and not the audiences, who are staying far away. You have a forty-five-foot crocodile living in a lake in Maine, and a potty-mouthed Betty White rooting for the croc, and you have the required band of misfits: the Sheriff, the Fish and Wildlife Operative, the Museum Curator, not to mention the Millionaire Eccentric who thinks crocodiles are gods on Earth. It's these unlikely heroes who ultimately decide (while hunting the croc) that they just can't kill this miracle of nature. Instead, they decide to trap it in their helicopter. It's a hoot. Plus, it's short--which all self-aware crap should aspire to be.

The Haunting is the kind of movie that gives crappy movies a bad name. Hyped to the gills, full of promising actors, and based on a truly scary story by Shirley Jackson, this movie commits the worst possible crime a scary movie can: It was boring. Poorly-paced, rife with stilted dialog, and flaccid characters, The Haunting was devoid of one legitimate thrill or chill. I spent most of the movie wondering why Lili Taylor--a great actress who usually sticks to indie films--agreed to do this piece of excrement. Perhaps she had bills to pay or someone dared her to do it. Either way it was an unfortunate move on her part.

Crappy movies aren't for everyone--well, actually they are--that's part of their beauty: They appeal to the lowest common denominator in all of us. But you have to be seeking it out; otherwise you'll just feel used and disappointed. If you are seeking it out, I'd recommend Deep Blue Sea, and maybe Lake Placid, but stay away from The Haunting--it disappoints on too many levels to be worth even the price of a rental.

Rental? Yes, rental. Like most crufty summer movies, all three of these movies are long gone from local Seattle multiplexes to make way for the more serious fall season. Odds are there are some more crappy movies out now for your viewing pleasure. Stigmata, Chill Factor, and The Astronaut's Wife all spring to mind as having ordure potential. We'll see. Well, I'll probably see…it's a weakness I have.

By Allie Gerlach.
Visit Allie's site to see her online portfolio.

Edited by Jenny Neill.
Jenny is a Steering Committee member, Co-Facilitating Editor, and List Admin for Seattle Writergrrls.